I just don’t know what to feel any more. I have so many different feelings that contradict each other.
One part of me wants to be the strong, independent black woman and say ‘you know what, I don’t need you. A white woman can have your sorry ass. ‘An alternate me says ‘I still want you, and I know you want me so let’s just make it work. It’s not anybody’s fault… it’s just the circumstances at hand. Right?’
The resentful me says ‘That bitch ain’t even half of me. She will never, ever be half of me!’ Some other part of me says ‘Who do you think you are, treating me like this? Fuck you’ Another, sluttier version, merely says ‘fuck me…’
One voice says ‘Nobody can tell me this is love!’ while the other says ‘I need you to tell me this is love’ There is a side of me that wants absolutely nothing to do with you. A side that craves to forget you and all of your bullshit. But this side is fighting against the side that knows no matter what you do I will still be here, and still wants to be here. The side that wants to start over.
I just have no clue which version of me to trust, to follow, so for now I remain numb. Numb, in the middle of this crap. Numb but still hurting. I’m so lost, and you’re still so okay. Are you okay?
I ask myself whether I still want you, or I want the person I fell for a year ago… are you still that same person? I just don’t know anymore. I mean, this feels strange… so are we strangers?
What do I do? I just do not know what do. The irony is, the only person who I really feel could give me advice right now is you… fuck.